I returned to work for the last time.
I returned to work and thereby ended my last maternity leave. We are done having children, and our family is complete.
My feelings on this, as they have been since Omega was born (and back into my pregnancy as well), are bittersweet. I don't really like being pregnant. I am not naturally good with babies. The older my children get, the more I feel comfortable engaging with them. And yet.
And yet.
Never again will I feel kicking inside me as a new life grows. Never again will I feel the pride of having that bump and growing someone from scratch. Never again will I reach, gasping and sobbing, for a tiny, bloody baby that I worked so hard to deliver. Never again will I hear those signs of contentment as I nurse my baby. Never again will someone need me so completely.
So yes, despite the fact that I am angry and uncomfortable through pregnancy, and that postpartum I am driven to the depths of despair, I am mourning the loss of my reproductive years. That phase of my life is over, with many more to come.
Every last milestone that Omega achieves will be the last time I will witness such an amazing feat with so much pride.
Even though I joke and laugh about how glad I am that we are done, and intellectually, I realize that having another child would be disastrous for our way of life, inside, I am sad.
That sounds so banal, but I have no other words to express it. I am sad.
I am sure that most other women who have had children have felt the same as I, upon realizing that there will be no more babies, and they go on, recover, and raise their children. As will I.
But for now, in the depths of the night, or during the drive home, I will allow that thought to creep out from my heart, and allow myself to feel the sadness of never again.
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