I returned to work for the last time.
I returned to work and thereby ended my last maternity leave. We are done having children, and our family is complete.
My feelings on this, as they have been since Omega was born (and back into my pregnancy as well), are bittersweet. I don't really like being pregnant. I am not naturally good with babies. The older my children get, the more I feel comfortable engaging with them. And yet.
And yet.
Never again will I feel kicking inside me as a new life grows. Never again will I feel the pride of having that bump and growing someone from scratch. Never again will I reach, gasping and sobbing, for a tiny, bloody baby that I worked so hard to deliver. Never again will I hear those signs of contentment as I nurse my baby. Never again will someone need me so completely.
So yes, despite the fact that I am angry and uncomfortable through pregnancy, and that postpartum I am driven to the depths of despair, I am mourning the loss of my reproductive years. That phase of my life is over, with many more to come.
Every last milestone that Omega achieves will be the last time I will witness such an amazing feat with so much pride.
Even though I joke and laugh about how glad I am that we are done, and intellectually, I realize that having another child would be disastrous for our way of life, inside, I am sad.
That sounds so banal, but I have no other words to express it. I am sad.
I am sure that most other women who have had children have felt the same as I, upon realizing that there will be no more babies, and they go on, recover, and raise their children. As will I.
But for now, in the depths of the night, or during the drive home, I will allow that thought to creep out from my heart, and allow myself to feel the sadness of never again.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
My Average Child
As I write these words, I imagine my son stumbling upon them as a teenager, full of angst. He will read that I consider him "average" and be hurt and infuriated that I set my sights so low for him. I feel that this is something I have, in turn, felt against my parents. How dare they feel that I'm not the most specialist snowflake in all the world and be president of everything.
So here is my response to that hypothetical: Calm down. This is less of a critique of your abilities and talents, my son, and more of a way to ease myself down from the competitive parenting band wagon.
At 4, he is really good at some things, and also really not good at others. For example, he learnt how to ride a bike (with training wheels) last year. He didn't really get braking and steering until this year. He now can start, stop and steer with some confidence, although he still gets nervous when the ground slopes and the bike starts going without his control. Being the proud mama I am, talking to other parents, "I'm so happy that Alpha has learnt to ride his bike so well, wow, your son is really good too, how old is he?" I ask, expecting the answer to be somewhere over 4. "Oh, he just turned 3," they reply. Oh. So your 3 year old already rides better than my 4 year old.
I see the same thing when he runs around with other kids. He is small and slight of stature, so invariably, he falls behind the other kids. And how I yearn for him to be first. Really though, looking at the giant grin on his face, he doesn't care, so why should I?
He is able to build Lego sets, at 4, that are for ages 6+ or 8+. He has mastered the art of building new things from Lego, and creates entire worlds and scenarios for his mini-figures. He will play for hours, content with his creativity and ingenuity. How many 4 year olds can boast that?
What this means, as far as I can tell, is that I need to stop putting my expectations on him. Alpha is who he is. He has strengths and weaknesses. As do we all. His cautious nature means that he needs to test a new situation before gaining the confidence to go full tilt. I need to let him learn on his own terms, and give him the confidence to either succeed or fail. Easier said than done, right?
So here is my response to that hypothetical: Calm down. This is less of a critique of your abilities and talents, my son, and more of a way to ease myself down from the competitive parenting band wagon.
At 4, he is really good at some things, and also really not good at others. For example, he learnt how to ride a bike (with training wheels) last year. He didn't really get braking and steering until this year. He now can start, stop and steer with some confidence, although he still gets nervous when the ground slopes and the bike starts going without his control. Being the proud mama I am, talking to other parents, "I'm so happy that Alpha has learnt to ride his bike so well, wow, your son is really good too, how old is he?" I ask, expecting the answer to be somewhere over 4. "Oh, he just turned 3," they reply. Oh. So your 3 year old already rides better than my 4 year old.
I see the same thing when he runs around with other kids. He is small and slight of stature, so invariably, he falls behind the other kids. And how I yearn for him to be first. Really though, looking at the giant grin on his face, he doesn't care, so why should I?
He is able to build Lego sets, at 4, that are for ages 6+ or 8+. He has mastered the art of building new things from Lego, and creates entire worlds and scenarios for his mini-figures. He will play for hours, content with his creativity and ingenuity. How many 4 year olds can boast that?
What this means, as far as I can tell, is that I need to stop putting my expectations on him. Alpha is who he is. He has strengths and weaknesses. As do we all. His cautious nature means that he needs to test a new situation before gaining the confidence to go full tilt. I need to let him learn on his own terms, and give him the confidence to either succeed or fail. Easier said than done, right?
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