Recently, I read an article on Scary Mommy extolling the virtues of letting "boys be boys" and play rough with each other. My opinion on this matters extremely little for two reasons; 1, I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and 2, Alpha will play rough whether I want him to or not.
Alpha is a boy's boy. He likes cars, diggers, explosions, super heroes and fighting (and cooking and wearing the occasional Tinkerbell wings, lest you think I'm raising a little hellion). My days are filled by constantly warning him, "gentle with the cat. Gentle with the baby. Gentle. Hit again and I will take it away." Followed promptly by the toy being taken away. And he never learns. Ever. He hasn't figured out that the cat is not a good person to play rough with. His arms are a crisscross of scars as a result of those play fights. I have learnt to reflexively turn to the side when I see him approach, so that he bounces harmlessly off my hip, rather than anywhere else (a lesson Skeptidaddy was slow to learn). I've had my mom call me, asking to pick him up, because he was playing too rough and she was running out of ideas to distract him from his rough play.
I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. Children learn through play, and Alpha is learning the limits and boundaries of what his body can do. He's exploring his physical space and his relationship to the other people in that space. I don't like however, the implication that all such behaviour can and should be excused because that's how boys are. I feel, aside from a bit of hand waving about gender studies, that is what the author of the piece is implying.
First off, it's painting every boy with the same brush. Any boy who doesn't engage in rough play is obviously being stifled by his parents. Perhaps that was the old expectation, back in the "good old days" when boys were boys and men were men. People weren't interested in the spectrum of difference in gender, and so stereotypes, for the most part, ruled. Secondly, what about girls? I know just as many girls who play rough as any boy.
The author didn't really mention girls at all, so perhaps this is some projection on my part. But, I think it is an interesting tangent. The idea that boys will be boys, and girls are little ladies is pretty deeply ingrained in society. How many girls are told that "girls don't hit," or "girls don't fight?" I almost wonder if this isn't party of the reason that girls (and women) can become so catty? We never learn a more physical expression of our emotions, or are never allowed opportunities to play physically (never mind about differences in communication types yada yada, I've never studied gender differences, nor am I sure how much of the "brain science" about communication between the sexes is true). Perhaps burying these impulses at rough play lead girls down the path of psychological bullying?
That leads me to my third thought: allowing boys to play rough all the time could lead to bullying. If we excuse all rough behaviour as how boys should normally be, where do we draw the line between two boys wrestling and enjoying themselves, and one boy being forced into a situation he does not want to be in? Do we let one boy wrestle with another, even though he doesn't really like it (but may play along out of self defense, because obviously most parents would remove their child if they were really upset) because we feel rough play is good?
The answer for me anyway is context. If I can teach Alpha context in play fighting, I will feel like I have done a good job. He should learn that Daddy is ok to wrestle with, but Mama and kitty aren't (at least in our family Mama doesn't want to). He needs to learn that some friends like to play fight and some don't. And he also needs to learn to listen to what his playmate is saying to know when he is pushing too far. Hopefully he learns soon, because I'm tired of bruised hips!
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